Yesterday the following conversation happened.
Ainsley: Can I help you?
Mama: Yes. You can be helpful by being quiet and not touching anything.
Ainsley: That's not what I want!
Now, to be honest, we had just put down a fussy baby, who was sleeping just ten feet away from where I was furiously changing bedding due to a potty accident by our potty training two year old. It was 8:30 pm, I was trying to get the kids into jammies, into our bed to read books, ignore the occasional whimpers of terror coming from the cranky, almost asleep baby, and had remembered that our two year old had wet our bed while napping that afternoon. I just needed to change the bedding quickly, read three books, tuck them into bed, and I was free.
But she wanted to help. Her help means it would have taken twice, maybe three times as long. It would involve her crying and whining because she can't get the sheets on the deep pocketed mattress or crying because she couldn't get the pillow case on or off the pillow. There's very little about changing the bedding on a king-sized bed that a five year old can actually do by herself. And everything she struggles with involves tears and whines.
No. Be quiet and don't touch anything.
And now I look back and think how horrible of me to say those things. She just wants to help.
Perhaps if she was an only child, she could have helped. If she were an only child, there wouldn't have been urine on the bed or a cry-it-out situation happening around the corner. Then she could have helped and it wouldn't have been a big deal.
But as it is, we have three children. Three, SMALL, children who are essentially incapable of doing ANYTHING on their own. It wasn't such a big deal when there was only one. It became a bit more stressful after two, neglecting myself completely to care for their every need, want, and inkling.
But then there were three.
We're nine months in to having three now. It's slowly been eating at my patience. If I could just get one decent night's sleep I might be able to recharge, but I haven't slept in nearly a year. Couple that with the fact that they need me to do EVERYTHING for them, and I'm just getting tired.
I just need them to go to sleep. I need them to actually sleep when I send them to sleep. I need to be rested enough that I can work on my grading after they go to sleep. As it is, I pass out in exhaustion the moment they actually go to sleep [or, stop crying, because "sleep" and "they finally stopped crying" is pretty much the same thing].
And so, I must vent. I don't remember the last time I had a moment to myself. If I beg my husband for some time, I use it to correct papers or prepare for class.
That's what I do with my "moments to myself."
Someone on Facebook shared some article about 2 year olds the other day. I only read the title of the article and I was immediately ticked off. The title said something like "What your two-year old needs is you." I couldn't even open the article after that start. I assume it's about tantruming two year olds (of which I am in the THICK OF) and how to stop their tantrums by giving them more of yourself.
I'VE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE, PEOPLE. I gave 50% of my entire being to Ainsley. I gave the other 50% to Durham and I'm now taking years off my life in attempting to be patient with Wrenn.
And I love them so much, I will continue to do it, but I just wanted everyone to know that my soul is being sucked out of me at a rate that will involve my early death.
So, if you'd like to see me before I die, you've better hurry up.
Is noon too early to drink?
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, she wanted to help.
Anyway, now I have 40 essays to grade, 80 Prezi projects, 20 movie reviews, and a bad parenting choice to make up for. What shall we do? Make a gingerbread house. And I'll let her (and him) do everything themselves. And then I'll feel like I'm not such a terrible parent.
Is parenthood just about making up for the mistakes that happened yesterday? Because that seems to be our theme here.
Anyway, we're going to make gingerbread houses and drink beer tonight. That' just the best we can muster at the moment.
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