Maternity Leave: The Hard Days

Maternity leave with Ainsley was a piece of cake.  Granted, I was a nervous wreck the first week and it probably took me at least four weeks to feel comfortable enough to leave the house alone with her even to run errands, but altogether it was a bunch of napping and television watching.  

Here I was taking a break from quilting to watch some television.  

I even stole her blanket to make myself more comfortable.

My maternity leave with Durham wasn't quite so peaceful.  Tim went back to work, and I was left home to care for a wild and crazy two year old and a baby who wasn't quite as peaceful and sleepy as Ainsley had been.  When Durham turned two weeks old, he developed colic.  Oh, my boy.  I couldn't believe how much he would cry.  It lasted nearly all day and seriously intensified at night.   

This was his happy face.
Walk and bounce.  Walk and bounce.  Shhhhhh!

Just when he'd stop crying, Ainsley would
sneak up on him and want to play.  

Burrito baby.

My sweet little boy was angry.  His tummy was very gurgly and he spit up much more often than Ainsley ever did.  He seemed constipated as well.  Swaddling seemed to be the only thing I could do to comfort him, beyond constantly walking and bouncing.  I kept him swaddled for so much of the day, I was concerned that he would never learn how to use his limbs!  There were so many times that I'd try everything I knew to get him comfortable, but he'd still be crying.  It was so upsetting to not be able to cure his ills.  Soon I would be crying as well.  There were times when I just had to put him in his crib, screaming, while I took a shower just to separate myself from all the anxiety.  I even called a friend of mine and sobbed into the phone for ten minutes just saying, "he doesn't even like me!" over and over again.  People offered to help, but I knew everyone was busy with their own lives.  Who would want to work a whole day just to deal with this on their evening to spend with their own families?  He was mine.  He was my responsibility.  We would get through this come hell or high water.  

I don't like anything!

I will not smile ever!  

I was beginning to convince myself that he'd never smile.  I was beginning to convince myself that there was something wrong with him physically or mentally.  I had built myself up during my pregnancy with Durham.  "I've done this baby thing before.  I can do it again."  But Number Two, was proving to be much more difficult than Number One.  What made me feel even more guilty was the fact that Ainsley wanted and needed my attention as well.  Unfortunately, it was quite difficult for me to get the hang of parenting two.  It would take me all day to get her dressed and have her teeth brushed.  Before Durham was born, Tim or I read to her every night.  Now, I was walking and shhhhhing the baby so long each night, she'd fall asleep before I could get into her room to read to her.    

By afternoon nap, I still hadn't found pants for my sweet girl.  

This maternity leave wasn't like the first.  This maternity leave was here to test my strength.  I would be up at all hours of the night with Durham.  We'd sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and the Lion's Fight Song.  Tim would get up and go to work, and Ainsley would be up soon after that.  When Durham woke up, the crying would begin again.  Some evenings, Tim was able to come home, but baseball season at Millington started in March.  March 2011 was filled with long days and long nights.  I just kept praying that God would help me not be a failure in taking care of these sweet kids.  Perhaps everyone thinks this, but I just kept thinking that they deserved someone who could do it all better.